Friends and Relations

I always wonder about individules need for relationship, friendship, companionship. I have never had a friend, all the life. I look back now, other than 1 or 2 people, whom I will call as friends, I have not managed to build good, close relationships.

On the other hand, I am one of the very popular relationship builder in my social life. I know people, I help people in need and those not in need. I act like an information broker, information portal and known to be the go-to person when somebody is in need. I believe I have lot of realations but not many friends.

I define the friendship as something where you are not afraid to share your most intimate fears. With a friend, the trust is so much high that you are in a position to share most intimate thoughts, fantsies, fears without any fear of misuse. I do not have somebody like that till now.

The question I am struggling with, why do I not have close friends. I am guarded, may be I am loner at heart. I do remember few friends in school, I also remember getting burned, may be I trusted them too much. I used to share freely, without any issues, without any thing in return. I still do, but I have not yet managed to have a friend close.

Even the current situation, I have shared that with my wife, mostly because I wanted to be honest with her. I did share with one other lady, but I am not sure if I will call her my friend. But I was comfortable sharing all details with her.

Few thoughts

1. I do have secrets, now, more than before, so I am not comfortable sharing with anybody
2. I do not connect well with men, with women, even though, I have few close relations, I will not be able to share everything.
3. I am little more serious than others, meditation, focus on self-improvement and some times too much unasked advice, makes people defensive, they are scared to open to me.
4. I am not a fun person to be around.
5. Intergroup, Interage rivalary also does not make friendship possible with mens

I am not sure if this is the last time I am visting this topic, but it will come up again.

Away from Family

I was wondering today the reasons for me being away from family, kids. I was really surprised to realized that after two years, my attachment, my attraction towards them has been reduced significantly.

I do meet them, but I am missing them more than I thought before. Specifically, since I am recovring from the indiscretion binge, I am missing them most. I miss the younger one, we will call him G. He is 4 years now and he is growing without father. I feel bad for him.

Why did I agree to stay here?

Emotional response is simple, I am not sure if I want to work in India. I am not sure if I am suited to work there live there. I do not like the intrusion on my life. I have become independent, I have gotten used to staying alone. I am more comfortable here, physically and emotionally. I am not sure if I can live in India where things are so different now and were different always.

Moreover, I have not yet recoved from the feeling that my wife chose to walk away, provided an ultimatum and walked away. I still remember the fights, arguments before reaching to the decision. I think, I must have drove her away, completely. I was abusive, emotionally abusive. May be she had enough. I still can not believe though, she had the guts to prove me wrong. I know she is not happy being alone there, but due to help from my parents, her life is going on smoothely. She does not need me. It is a strange feeling to accept. Difficult but truth, a truth, not sure I am internalizing. I need her, I need her dependence on me. Do I?

The practical reasosn, the logical brain, it says that, I need to get citizenship. The US Citizenship is an open invitation to travel around the world, provide opportunity for kids to come back, for me to come back. It is very powerful status. I am also more comfortable asserting being an American, liberal American.

The confusing point though, I like India, as much as America. I really believe Indian Value System and American Work Ethic. I ought to, follow the Indian Values though. What are the Indian values I think I should follow? I dunno, I am not following the collective life together values for sure.

More later.