Away from Family

I was wondering today the reasons for me being away from family, kids. I was really surprised to realized that after two years, my attachment, my attraction towards them has been reduced significantly.

I do meet them, but I am missing them more than I thought before. Specifically, since I am recovring from the indiscretion binge, I am missing them most. I miss the younger one, we will call him G. He is 4 years now and he is growing without father. I feel bad for him.

Why did I agree to stay here?

Emotional response is simple, I am not sure if I want to work in India. I am not sure if I am suited to work there live there. I do not like the intrusion on my life. I have become independent, I have gotten used to staying alone. I am more comfortable here, physically and emotionally. I am not sure if I can live in India where things are so different now and were different always.

Moreover, I have not yet recoved from the feeling that my wife chose to walk away, provided an ultimatum and walked away. I still remember the fights, arguments before reaching to the decision. I think, I must have drove her away, completely. I was abusive, emotionally abusive. May be she had enough. I still can not believe though, she had the guts to prove me wrong. I know she is not happy being alone there, but due to help from my parents, her life is going on smoothely. She does not need me. It is a strange feeling to accept. Difficult but truth, a truth, not sure I am internalizing. I need her, I need her dependence on me. Do I?

The practical reasosn, the logical brain, it says that, I need to get citizenship. The US Citizenship is an open invitation to travel around the world, provide opportunity for kids to come back, for me to come back. It is very powerful status. I am also more comfortable asserting being an American, liberal American.

The confusing point though, I like India, as much as America. I really believe Indian Value System and American Work Ethic. I ought to, follow the Indian Values though. What are the Indian values I think I should follow? I dunno, I am not following the collective life together values for sure.

More later.