Friends and Relations

I always wonder about individules need for relationship, friendship, companionship. I have never had a friend, all the life. I look back now, other than 1 or 2 people, whom I will call as friends, I have not managed to build good, close relationships.

On the other hand, I am one of the very popular relationship builder in my social life. I know people, I help people in need and those not in need. I act like an information broker, information portal and known to be the go-to person when somebody is in need. I believe I have lot of realations but not many friends.

I define the friendship as something where you are not afraid to share your most intimate fears. With a friend, the trust is so much high that you are in a position to share most intimate thoughts, fantsies, fears without any fear of misuse. I do not have somebody like that till now.

The question I am struggling with, why do I not have close friends. I am guarded, may be I am loner at heart. I do remember few friends in school, I also remember getting burned, may be I trusted them too much. I used to share freely, without any issues, without any thing in return. I still do, but I have not yet managed to have a friend close.

Even the current situation, I have shared that with my wife, mostly because I wanted to be honest with her. I did share with one other lady, but I am not sure if I will call her my friend. But I was comfortable sharing all details with her.

Few thoughts

1. I do have secrets, now, more than before, so I am not comfortable sharing with anybody
2. I do not connect well with men, with women, even though, I have few close relations, I will not be able to share everything.
3. I am little more serious than others, meditation, focus on self-improvement and some times too much unasked advice, makes people defensive, they are scared to open to me.
4. I am not a fun person to be around.
5. Intergroup, Interage rivalary also does not make friendship possible with mens

I am not sure if this is the last time I am visting this topic, but it will come up again.